Working together to be happy and comfortable
as a family may mean getting back to basics.
Below are seven tips that you many wish to consider to help create
harmony at home.
- Establish what is really important to you. What
elements in your family life are most important to you? What
things are you not willing to compromise? Look carefully at
your lifestyle. What works for you, what does not? Make a list
of both. Be honest with yourself. Identify the areas that you
believe can be changed for the better. Don’t overlook
the simple things you can do – even small changes can
help.
- Discuss your goalswith your partner or,
if you are a single parent, with other people who play a significant
role in your children’s lives.Find out what they believe
is essential in parenting children.There may need to be compromise
on some points. Common ground and a shared approach are needed.
Children and teenagers thrive on consistency. It gives them
a feeling of safety and security. Consistency can beachieved
only if adults agree and are willing to support each other for
the benefit of the children. If you cannot reach complete consensus,
then you may have to go ahead alone with some of the changes
you believe will work. Although this is not an ideal situation,
the changes you make will make a difference.
- Establish family rules and boundaries. Your
first step will depend on the age of your children and the
level of communication at home. Keep rules to a minimum, ensure
they are uncomplicated. Expect your children to contribute
at home. As a parent it is your role to teach your children
responsibility for themselves and others. This goes beyond
keeping their bedroom clean (children’s bedrooms are
a whole other topic). This is about contributing to the family.
Contributions should depend on the child’s
age and/or their commitments at school/sport/work but some contribution
to the family is essential. Your children expect things from
you and it is vital that you expect things from them in return.
This is how society works. There should be consequences, set
out beforehand, so that your child knows what will happen if
they choose not to do what is expected of them.
A family meeting or forum may be a good way to communicate with
your children. At this forum you may consider the following ideas:
- Ask your children how they feel about things at home. Avoid
being defensive. Listen, take notes and repeat what you have
heard, without additional comment, to check that you have understood
them. Let your children know that you will consider what they
have said.
- At a different meeting, after you have given yourself time
to consider and process what your children have communicated
to you, tell your children your needs. Tell them that you love
them and that there may have been mistakes in the past, to
clarify that you are also not happy with how things are. Do
this calmly, honestly and sincerely, avoiding guilt trips.
This meeting is about moving the family forward and establishing
a new direction.
- At this meeting you will present some rules that you expect
your family to adhere to. There may be some negotiation at
this point. If your children are old enough, they will appreciate
having some input, but stick to your bottom line. Establish
clear and fair consequences for breaking these
rules. Without consequences the rules are meaningless. Consequences
should, wherever possible, be natural ones.
- Once these rules and consequences have beenestablished,stick
to them. When your children are a little bit older, or if things
have settled down at home, you may want to amend them. But
for now you and all the other adults involved must mean what
you say.
- Accept that it is likely that your children will break rules
and will complain. They are testing you. They are asking you
to show them that you care enough to provide them with safety
and security.
- Meaningful activities with your children. If
your family has been fragmented, now is an appropriate period
to spend time with your children. Each child needs special
individual time. Boys, in particular, will talk more freely
when engaged in physical activity. It
can be as simple as cooking a meal, washing the car, reading
a story book or going for a walk together. Experiment and try
different things, observing how your children react.
This will help open the door to communication. Your children
will appreciate your efforts, even if they resist at first. Watching
TV, movies or computer games are not activities that normally
open the communication lines.
- Family time. Plan family activities and
activities with your children. Ask them what they would enjoy.
You may need to compromise, ask them to wait for their turn
or explain that finances do not permit their request but by
asking you should get some good ideas. Be prepared to participate
where you can. Become involved in your children’s lives
in an appropriate way, show them that you care.
You may need to set aside family time in your diary if you are
very busy and stick to the time you set aside. It should be ‘not
negotiable time.’
Children and teenagers should attend and participate in larger
family gatherings. This gives children a feeling of belonging
and helps create responsibility and tolerance for others.
- Communicate with your children in clear, positive
language. Keep your instructions short and avoid
nagging or fighting. There should be a least one adult in
every situation – let it be you.
The human brain cannot process negative language. To demonstrate
what this means: if you were asked not to
think about a blue tree, you would find that you could not avoid
thinking about it for at least a moment, especially if the request
is repeated.
Try stating what you want, not what you do not want. Instead
of “don’t leave your plate on the table”, which
in your child’s brain is processed as “leave your
plate on the table” (remember the blue tree), ask your
child to “pick up your plate and put it in the dishwasher” or
a similar instruction that demonstrates exactly what you want
your child to do.
- Communicate your love to your child. Experiment
and observe how your children respond.
- Some children enjoy physical touch such as a hug
or a back rub. Some boys may enjoy a wrestle on the lawn with
dad.
- Other children thrive on positive words that affirm that
they are OK, doing well, or your simply saying “I love
you”.
- Children may appreciate small gifts for a job well
done or just as an act of love – “I saw this, I
thought you might like it”.
- Many children will ask you to do something with them such
as play a game. These children are asking you for your time; they
need it to feel your love.
- Some children may feel special if you do something special
for them – make their favourite meal, fix a broken toy
or sew on a button – these are called acts of service.
Most people enjoy all of these acts of love and should receive
them all from time to time but some of these acts of love will
probably be more important to your child than other acts of love.
Teenagers may not always respond as you would hope– one
day a hug may be appreciated another day it may not. Teenagers
can be moody and may need time out. Be respectful of their feelings
and moods – don’t push them.
Children who feel loved rarely feel the need to rebel. Feeling
loved, valued and an important part of the family is something
that both adults and children need. There are the keys to a family
which works together for everyone’s well-being
If you try these steps, you are well on the way to re-establishing
your family harmony.
One final pointer: Understand that there
are times where you, your partner or children may feel that they
have failed. Making positive change is not easy.
What is important here is that:
- Everyone feels loved and respected
- There is a united approach
- Parents think things through before responding to their children
about important matters. It is better to say “I will
think about it” rather than make a decision that is regretted
later.
- A positive attitude is maintained. Even saying “no” can
be done in a positive way.
- Keep things in perspective. Accept small set backs and keep
moving forward.
Perseverance is the only way you will reach your goals and your
children will love you for it!
You may find that you need some professional help to complete
any or all of these steps. That’s OK; everyone needs a
little help at times. |
